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sparring with an audience
[If you're passing by the detective agency's office today, you might get to see a fight. Fauna, a familiar sight to most around Starsand, and Atsushi - no, the other one. The other other one.
Atsushi's grinning as they battle, so there's probably no bad blood involved… then again, with these two, it's hard to tell, especially with Fauna's mask covering any expression she might make.
Atsushi is a straightforward fighter, and his strikes with his sword are powerful. He doesn't dodge much, but he takes Fauna's fire and ice attacks head-on and keeps going strong. His attacks are almost reckless, the aggressive style of someone who knows he can tank any hit his opponent deals him and can fix any injuries later, trading openings in his own form for damage dealt to his opponent.
Fauna's fighting style, in contrast to her normal, headstrong nature, is quite methodical- First, blasts of fire and ice, scarring the battlefield to restrict her opponent's movements. Then a form change to her owl form, a bombardment of high-speed knives as she flies around to create openings. Then, when she's finally restricted and worn her opponent down, she strikes- Her lion form comes in swinging, intending to end it in a single, electric blow.
The battle ends in a draw, with Atsushi's sword at Fauna's neck and Fauna's sword at his heart. There's plenty of time afterwards to catch either of the two in conversation, if you've stuck around to watch.]
Atsushi's grinning as they battle, so there's probably no bad blood involved… then again, with these two, it's hard to tell, especially with Fauna's mask covering any expression she might make.
Atsushi is a straightforward fighter, and his strikes with his sword are powerful. He doesn't dodge much, but he takes Fauna's fire and ice attacks head-on and keeps going strong. His attacks are almost reckless, the aggressive style of someone who knows he can tank any hit his opponent deals him and can fix any injuries later, trading openings in his own form for damage dealt to his opponent.
Fauna's fighting style, in contrast to her normal, headstrong nature, is quite methodical- First, blasts of fire and ice, scarring the battlefield to restrict her opponent's movements. Then a form change to her owl form, a bombardment of high-speed knives as she flies around to create openings. Then, when she's finally restricted and worn her opponent down, she strikes- Her lion form comes in swinging, intending to end it in a single, electric blow.
The battle ends in a draw, with Atsushi's sword at Fauna's neck and Fauna's sword at his heart. There's plenty of time afterwards to catch either of the two in conversation, if you've stuck around to watch.]
no subject
[He steps forward a bit. He still doesn't take his hands out of his pockets, because he's not being threatening right now. The last thing he wants is for her to feel cornered.]
Let's talk this out, shall we? Just you and I.
no subject
[She swings a fist backwards, like she's trying to claw at the air- Just venting, wanting something to fight, something to channel this anger into.]
If you want to talk, then talk.
no subject
So he's the one who has to reach out to people. And he has. He's reached out to Fauna before. To Dimitri. To Atsushi, even before all this. And he has to nigh-constantly ask...]
I'm not going to tell you 'you're not alone in this', because you know that. You've been told it before, and no one can replicate your exact story. No one is Fauna, can be Fauna, or ever will be. Your sins are your own. That much, at least, I can understand.
But punishing yourself for them over and over again isn't going to help. I'd know. That's what made me disconnect from humanity, and I don't want that for you. I wouldn't want that for anyone. Not my best friend, not my worst enemy.
My sins are different than yours. But I've punished myself time and time again, and nothing I did with that assisted at all until I allowed myself balance. You can't repent through darkness alone. Light is necessary.
no subject
[The transformation spreads, half her face covered by her helmet...]
That I should just forget what I've done? The people I turned into monsters? Just pretend none of it happened so I can selfishly pursue my own happiness?
no subject
[His eyes open, and his look at her is stern, but understanding.]
I'm saying that if you let it consume you, you'll be empty inside. Don't forget. But don't let it consume you. There's only so long you can chew at a loaf of bread until you've only got crumbs left.
If I told you to forget, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in the entire multiverse. I carry my sins on my back as well, after all. I haven't felt true happiness in...
...a few years now. Not since the world took Him from me. And even then, I only feel happiness through others. It's a troubling existence. But I don't want that for you.
no subject
[Her voice cracks as her armor completes itself around her- Gray, scarred, battered. If the armor and its transformation are so connected to her emotions, then what do all these scars and gouges on the armor mean...?]
I'm still a terrible person, okay?! Even after everything- I still hate that world, I still wish I could break it to make a better world, I still don't have any solutions other than breaking things and hurting people!
I already know I'm a monster, damn it... Why won't anyone just defeat me like I deserve?
[Her transformed state can't cry. But her voice shakes regardless.]
no subject
I'll tell you it's not however many times you need to hear it.
I can't say I'm any much better of an individual. I don't have any love for my world, either. I wish it could fall to pieces and that I could recreate it. My entire plan at home concluded with me doing exactly that. [If he'd only gotten The Book, then...] And that's not true. When I was in danger in the Kami Laboratory, you made an attempt to rescue me. You gathered information. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for, and I know it's hard, because I'm a monster, too.
My entire conscience hinges on someone who accepted all my flaws telling me to do good and me accepting it, because he was the one person I could believe. And he would believe the worst person could do some good. As do I.
No one will 'defeat' you because you care. You have remorse. And that enough is to bring some light to your darkness. Even if you take it a day at a time.
cw: suicidal ideation
[She slumps to her knees.]
I hate this... I just- If I were still back there, I could fight her, and make amends that way- I'd either save people, or die trying. But here, I can't do anything...
No one's ever going to accept all my flaws if they know them. No one would stay around me if they knew me!
1/2
There's a lot of 'if then's and 'but I' in this multiverse. You can do something here. You're still saving people. It's just a different group of people. We still have the same ideal: we must do good. And we are.
I'd also like to disagree with you there. Given, I don't know everything about you yet. But I can guarantee you I've thought the same again and again and that's why no one knows anything I don't feel like they have to know. It's a lot easier that way.
[A gentle smile crosses his face.]
But you don't like things easy, do you? The Fauna I know is a fighter. If she's given an easy route, she's insulted. She takes the harder route because she knows she can take it, she wants to be the one to accomplish it to help others, and she thinks nothing of it at the end because it's simply what her heart has told her to do. After all. Martyr thoughts come easy. Dying is, in fact, quite easy, and I know a number of methods. Living is harder. And I'd hate to let a challenge like this be her - your - undoing.
The Armed Detective Agency is full of people who share that fear. Atsushi's told me thoughts like this before, Akutagawa wears them on his sleeve - sometimes quite literally, and there's you and I. We're all monsters, if we think that way. But we're working towards a purpose. We're working towards the light. And I think it'd be remarkably difficult for any of us to give up on each other now.
From what I know of all of us, together, you'd have a harder time getting rid of us than keeping a hold.
2/2
I suppose that might be what family is like.
And that is a miraculous feeling of light gifted to us troubled 'monsters' together. We all wouldn't have it quite as bright without you, Fauna.
I promise.
Together, we'll find what light truly means. All four of us. Just give it time. And do what you've always done. Fight. Never be afraid. Never back down from a challenge.
I know you can.
no subject
Her armor can't cry. It doesn't have the ability- It's all armor, it doesn't have tear ducts, it can't.
And yet tears well up regardless as she listens, before finally letting out a weak wail, hunching over to cry as Dazai talks to her. All her agony, all her emotions, coming out at once, in one wordless scream.]
no subject
There there.
I've got you.
no subject
All she can do is let the tears come out, and ride out the wave of emotions.]
cw: child abuse reference
Yes, he had been a monster.
But now, he was comforting a young lady. Someone who seemed to trust him. She had the same temperament, the same desire to prove herself, the same drive to repent for mistakes she made and some that she never made at all. It's something that strikes him to his core.
His voice is calming. He's mimicking what Odasaku would've done - that's the best he can always do. What that man he adored above else would do, what he would say, what he was capable of in Dazai's eyes...
Yet he never knew if that was exactly what he'd do. Or what he'd want. Or...anything. But for now, he gently rests his arm around Fauna.]
Shh, shh. We're okay.
[We're. Not you're, we're. He's reassuring himself, too.
A man who deals in quantities of nothingness trying to be something for somebody. The comfort of a monster, the words of someone who was...no longer human.
But neither of them were alone. That mattered the most.]
cw: child abuse reference
Finally, after a few minutes, she manages to calm down- Face still wet, still sniffling and hiccuping, but she manages to at least start talking again.]
... Will you... Will you listen? For a bit?
no subject
Of course.
You've got my full attention.
cw: child abuse, cheating, alcoholism, transphobia
I don't know what to do... You say that the ADA is like a family, but the only family I know hated me. My mother was always out cheating with another man, and my old man just drank himself stupid and took it all out on me. It was my fault the family was like that... 'cause I was the freak who thought he was a girl.
cw: child abuse, sexual abuse reference
That's not a family. That's repulsive. And it was never your fault. Ever. Don't ever think that.
You're a perfectly beautiful young lady, Fauna. And always have been.
[He'd kill either of those two without thinking twice, were he to see them. He's quiet.]
In all honesty, I've never known a proper family, either. When I was younger - far, far younger than now - I had a father. A mother. I used to believe there were ghosts in our house, and eating was a ritual to put them at ease. I feared my father more than the world itself. I resorted to being a clown in order to conceal my fears and anxieties, stemming from being well-off, fearing having respect and expectation, and having...dashing good looks, to the point where our servants took notice.
[He leaves the last part at that. Nothing else needs to be said.]
That made me run away from home. And then the Port Mafia was the only family I'd gotten to know, which in itself was a sad excuse for anything resembling a 'family'. They at least sheltered me, and I harmed others more than I got harmed. Which was an improvement at the time.
I didn't know ACTUAL family until I joined ADA. And then it hit me all at once. Just because people are blood-related to you doesn't make them family. Blood runs in the veins of every human being, and in some beings that aren't human. It's meaningless to divide based on that alone, and those who mistreat you hardly deserve such titles. Thus, you pick, and you choose the people who will ACTUALLY love and support you and be there for you when you're hurting as family. If you so choose.
That's my perspective on it, at least.
cw: starvation and homelessness
... But if she's confessing everything... No, she needs to confess everything. If Dazai will have her in this family, then they need to know who she is. What she's done.
Everything.
She rubs at her eyes.]
I... hope you're right. I want to believe you're right. But I still get scared.
... After a while, I couldn't take it anymore. They were both hypocrites, and nothing worked the way anyone said it would work. Family was supposed to love you, but mine was like that... If you were honest, people would be your friend, but that never worked. If you tried hard, you'd get results, but that wasn't true, either...
So when I turned fourteen, I couldn't take anymore. So I ran away. Out into the streets.
... No one would help me there, either. I survived for a while by eating what other people threw away. I didn't want to steal from anyone, after all. But I couldn't keep that up... and I thought I was going to die there. On the streets, alone, starving.
[She sniffs again, trying to keep herself from crying more...]
That's when the Goddess found me.
no subject
He knew the life of a runaway quite well, too. He'd been one himself, after all, but people were able to take pity on him, even if he hadn't perfected the image of a clown yet at that time. He was a young man. A young man with promise. That was what drew in the Port Mafia, after all.
Though he did resort to stealing. Human beings were corrupt enough, he'd told himself, that taking things from them meant nothing. Nothing but survival. It was like nature taking its due. A taxation on humanity for bringing forth such a being to this world. So she still remained far more morally upright than him.]
The Goddess.
[He repeats, quietly, showing that he's listening.]
And she assisted you.
no subject
Fauna nods, quietly.]
... The Goddess of Salvation. She could... sense my despair. And offered me power. The power to grant my wish.
I wanted a better world. A just world. But she said... that it wasn't possible to fix the world we had. We just had to break it. Destroy what was there- and put her in charge. If she was in charge, she'd be able to make a perfect world.
[She reaches into her pouch, and pulls out her changer, though its screen is dark due to Dazai's power.]
I believed her.
cw: child abuse
[In another world, Fauna would've been in grave danger. There were people - people like Fyodor - who would've preyed upon something like that, but done it with absolute devotion. That was his sales pitch to a T, preying upon the weak, promising them a better world in exchange for devotion, especially when it came to children. His 'rats', as he called them. Except he had no real power to give. Only falsehoods and fear.]
I don't blame you.
Things like that are quite easy to believe if you're young and have very little options.
no subject
... My job was to go around. Find other people who were in despair, outside of where the Goddess could reach. Grant them the same choice she granted me. Power to grant their wishes.
[She lowers her head, forehead to her knees as her voice comes out muffled.]
All of them became monsters instead. Obsessed with using their new power for their wishes. Monsters called Wishes.
They would attack people, destroy buildings, whatever they wanted. And I was to stop anyone who tried to stop them. I knew it was wrong, but... I was scared that if I left, or disobeyed, I'd be back on the streets again, and this time, there would be monsters sent after me. So I learned to steal, to lie to people... Whatever it took to survive. It didn't matter who I hurt or stole from, because I was already trying to destroy the world as it was anyway...