starsand | july 30th→ action

[“Nervous” doesn’t even begin to describe how he’s feeling. Having two of the most important people in his life not yet along has been hard on him, to put it lightly. And this might be their last chance to make up.

He holds Himeko’s hand tightly as they walk to the agreed meeting place. He doesn’t want to be nervous: He wants to be someone that she can lean on. She’s probably even more nervous than he is.

When they take their seat across from Ryoko, Yuuto is already nervously sipping on his drink. He might go through two or three.]

[ Himeko knows that she's a bundle of nerves; in fact, she's not really looking at either of them, her gaze avoidant and just staring at the table. After all, this was the kind of person she was, in the end- someone who was constantly afraid. Yuuto can probably tell, too. After all, no matter how much of a strong façade she can put on- not that she's really doing that now, not feeling much in the mood for it- her hand is trembling.

She didn't know what to say- what could she say? The dark part of her knows better, that she doesn't have the right words. Honestly, every time she's thought she's had them lately, it just doesn't seem to work out for her.

So she just finds herself stewing in silence, unable to say a word just yet. ]

[ As she could have figured... neither of them really knew where to begin. Inaba wasn't even looking at her, seemed to be terrified of having this conversation. Understandable. Ryoko had tried to consider her own words, what she's supposed to say to keep the peace. The last sentence she had even said to Inaba in person was rude enough... her instant thought was to apologize.

Okay, so apologize. Then what? Was being hurt really something to feel apologetic for? Ryoko thinks she understands most of it, but ultimately, she's still hung up on that reaction. How distant Inaba forced herself to be, and the conclusion that she reached.

It still, ultimately, got under her skin.

It might not be what she wants to hear right now, but she'll start amicably. ]

First. I'm glad to see that you're okay. This month's been stressful on all of us, it's nice to see you in good health.

[ Physically, naturally. Mentally, she hasn't even really recovered. What she went through was stressful, but given how Inaba was when she was fully distorted, MirrorMe would have been extra potent with her. ]

[… They’re both so quiet. Yuuto had planned to mostly stay out of this- and he still does. He doesn’t want for Himeko to feel like he’s overprotective or smothering her, nor does he want to rob this two of a chance to have a real conversation. If he intervenes too much, then nothing will actually change.

But he can at least help get the ball rolling. He nods to Ryoko, smiling softly despite how nervous he is. Under the table, he keeps a solid grip on Himeko’s shaking hand. He’s still here. He’s her ally. He wants her to know that even if she’s honest here and even if she shows darkness, he loves her.]

Mm. It’s been a lot. We’re all going to have really strong legs, huh..?

... Right.

[ Her response is dismissive and non-committal; she's feeling uneasy, even though she does squeeze Yuuto's hand tighter as if trying to reassure herself, even if she's still very uncertain. ]

Anyway, let's not beat around the bush. I doubt any of us want to have any more time wasted than necessary.

[ Of course. It sounded like nothing really had changed... so then.

If that's the case. ]

Then, I want to hear from you. I want to hear what's on your mind, looking at me. Why you think I'm doing this.

[ For a moment, Himeko is silent, using her free hand to tap on the side of the table idly, shutting her eyes and letting out a heavy sigh. ]

I'm not a mind reader. So quite frankly, I don't understand why you're doing this at all.

[ For a moment, Ryoko stews before she feels Minami at her leg. Her eyes scan down to her cup... her grip tighter than she'd like it to be.

Deep breath. ]

You don't have to read my mind. It should be something you can pick up on easily. I'm really not that complex of a person.

Why are you making the assumption that I have to be the one to figure it out? If you want to say something, say it yourself.

...because I already said what I had to. I've said so much already, that I'm not even sure how much you retained. You haven't said anything yet. It's only been stuff I've known since we've met.

Don't pretend that I've been silent just because you don't care about anything I've said.

[ It's harsher than she means it to come off as, but she's already starting to lose her cool. ]

U-Um! If I may..!

[And Yuuto ducks his head in a nervous bow.]

Himeko... Ryoko... I apologize for overstepping, b-but..! You both want to understand each other, right? You don't... Y-You don't want for things to stay this way. I-I love you both so much, so... I don't want for you both to be in pain anymore.

We all want to understand each other. That means we have to say what we're feeling... I think...

[ For a moment she's quiet, but then when she speaks up again, she's not looking down anymore. And more importantly, the look in her eyes is serious and not necessarily pleasant; like sharp icy daggers.

Her words aren't exactly kind, either. It almost feels like barbed wires with every syllable. ]

I haven't forgotten.

But why should I pour my feelings out to someone who didn't bother in trying to understand before and instead shut me down?

Are you kidding...?

[ She can feel herself losing her cool, and Minami jumps into her lap. Still, hearing that drives a frustration into her that she can't just ignore. ]

I haven't bothered to try to understand? When did I shut you down, before or after you had made up your mind on why I was at your office? Was it before, or after I poured my heart out?

How the hell am I supposed to understand you when you won't let me?!

[ Oh, she knows this is going to go south real quick. Which is why she winds up actually letting go of Yuuto's hand before she responds. ]

And why should I?! Give me one good reason why I should! Because your whole "pouring your heart out" sounded more and more like you were doing all of this bullshit for you!

Why would I put myself through any of this just for my own self satisfaction?! Is it that much of a leap to think that I can be genuinely worried about you?!

I didn't tell you any of that for sympathy or to manipulate you, it was to tell you not to do all of this on your own, and to not be so insistent that you have to!

Do you even know how much it hurts to think that someone you've been trying so hard to be close to doesn't give a damn about you?! And why? Because she's afraid of being hurt herself?!

Then what am I even doing here?!

P-Please- Hang on a second!

Let’s take turns..? Please… One at a time.

[ ...aaaand now she's cowed back into silence, taking a glass of water and just downing it to cool herself down. Although she can still feel the frustrations bubble deep inside of her.

But for now, she just opts to not say anything. ]

[ Quiet again.

...so it does have to be her. She collects herself. ]

Alright then. I'll start.

There's really no reason I should be doing this. For all intents and purposes, I shouldn't even like you. The one constant in my time here has been you being standoffish, if not to me, then to him. [ Gesturing to Yuuto. ] Initially, I let that go because the feelings he has for you runs that deep. He's willing to freeze to death just to make sure you're not alone. Even when he's hurting, he wants someone to be with you.

Then, when it looked like you'd actually let me in... I understood. I could tell that you're kinder than you come across, that you're a lot more fun than the first couple of months made you seem. I was determined to be your friend out of necessity, but I wanted to stay friends because I had realized how much I had misunderstood you. I didn't care about your strength, or your weaknesses, or anything. In the end, you're another person to me, and those things don't define you.

But, I'm not stupid. I've seen who you claim to be multiple times now. In a dream, as a distortion, and even right now. You keep saying that you want to rely on someone other than Yuuto, but any time someone gets closer, you pull further and further away towards everyone else and closer and closer to him. You keep saying it's a bad thing that I would insinuate that I'm here because of him, but honestly, right now, it feels like he's the only reason you bothered to show up.

You want me to give you a single reason why you should open up to me? It's because you've told me how lonely you are, and I don't want you to feel that way. But, I can't do anything about it if you keep pushing me away. So, this might be it, because really... I need a single reason as to why I should feel like I haven't wasted a year of my life trying to get to know you.

[ It's all harsh and icy, and she hates it. Ryoko's bitterness stings at her own heart... but, whatever happens, at least she's said it.

For all the amends she'll never make. She can at least do this. ]

I already knew that I was a hypocrite.

[ When she speaks up again, her tone is cold and her eyes are the eerie color of a distortion. ]

But I was already fine with that. Because I knew that I'm an awful person from the very start.

"You don't want me to feel lonely"? Do you think that I can really believe that, that I can really trust those words? Because you already just disregarded my feelings by dismissing them in what you said earlier. If you think that the fear of being hurt is that insignificant... then I'm sorry, this conversation is over.

That's not what I'm saying!

[ She slams the table underneath her, completely frustrated. She can tell that Inaba's hurting, her eyes the clearcut tell. That doesn't stop herself from feeling frustrated. ]

[ Minami leaps off of Ryoko's lap to look directly at her, and as Ryoko's gaze trails over to the cat... her heart sinks. This is what she didn't want to happen. She thought this would be easier with Yuuto here, but it still feels impossible. ]

I... I just don't want you to be afraid of me. I know that's selfish, I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. Even at my worst, hurting you in any way wouldn't make me feel any better.

Knowing that you are and that there's nothing I can do, it's so frustrating that I don't know what to do. I should give up, but I can't. I don't want to.

But, if that's how it has to be, then I don't want to keep you here. I want you to find someone else you can rely on, but if that can't be me, I just want to know. Please.

You say it's 'not like that', but that is literally what you basically implied earlier.

I trusted you, but now-- I can't. How can I trust someone who can't be consistent with what they're saying, much less their actions? It feels like I have to walk on landmines constantly.

You say you don't care about my weaknesses but then tell me, to my face, that you don't want me to be afraid of you. Since you want to know so badly, I'll tell you. This is one of Inaba Himeko's greatest weaknesses. Being constantly afraid of everything, all the time. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing. I doubt anyone can fathom what that feels like: always feeling afraid of everything around them, always being unable to fully trust anybody in spite of wanting the opposite. Every day is a living hell for me.

...

It's because, even if you are afraid, I...

[ She stops. She doesn't know what to say. The words are getting lost, and her mind is swirling. ]

I can. I spent so long feeling like that, and when I finally made it somewhere that I felt that could change...

...

I'm sorry. I'm wasting your time.

[Hearing them argue like this is getting painful. Yuuto can feel himself shrinking into his seat; Everything feels cold and hopeless again. He can't help but think that this is his fault. He's being so selfish in asking his favorite people to get along. Now his selfishness is making them both heal. How could he do this to them? Just what's wrong with him?

He breaths in nervously, as if fresh air can clear this toxic self loathing from his mind.]

... W-Wait. Ryoko.

[Scared, his hand searches to re-establish contact with Himeko's.]

I-I think... both of you do want to be friends. But you're misunderstanding each other.

Ryoko. Himeko is always going to be a bit afraid. She wants what you want: She doesn't want to be afraid of you. But... But it's like how I get anxious, and can't get my mind to stop buzzing in fear either. Even though I have great friends and my logic says I don't need to be afraid, I can't make it stop. Himeko has tried really hard for her whole life, but she can't shake that fear either.

She isn't trying to pick a fight with you... But to her. T-to me too... It sounds like your condition for friendship is that Himeko 'fixes' a part of herself that she's been hurting from since she was young. And that you're always going to want to 'fix' her. Like all of the fun times you could be having will have the condition of 'fixing' something, like you don't think Himeko's efforts until now were 'strong enough.' And like you think this scar on Himeko's heart is too ugly to look at, so you want her to hide it better.

That's... That isn't what you actually think. I think... That's the first misunderstanding here..? Himeko. When Ryoko says she doesn't want for you to be afraid of her, I think what she means is more... "I don't want you to be afraid alone. I want to learn how to support you. I don't understand being so scared, but I understand being lonely..?"

Maybe?

[ Himeko closes her eyes and tries to calm herself down, but it still stings. She can feel the way her chest twists- not just physically, but deep in the core of her soul.

She allows Yuuto to reach out to her again, but at the same time, her free hand goes towards her chest.

She's always overthought things. Even now, the gears are spinning. But she doesn't look at anyone when she speaks up again. ]

What Yuuto said is mostly right. I should add, however... I can't just accept 'support'. It'd be unfair of me, and more importantly, I don't want to be treated like a princess- like someone who needs to constantly be helped or fixed.

[ When laid all out like that, she gets herself to pause, to calm down and listen a little bit more.

Her eyes scan down to the teacup in front of her. Nodding her head. ]

I don't... think she needs to be "fixed" or that she has to change to be friends with me. That part, you're right on. As for everything else... I really can't say that I'll understand being so scared throughout my whole life. I've always been someone that worries so much about others, and I never thought I'd have issues trusting anyone until I made my wish.

...please understand. I was telling the truth when I said that I wanted to learn more about you. That I did want to know you better. I guess more than anything... I needed to learn to accept you as you are, not reassure you that you're someone that you're not.

[ Himeko's gaze doesn't leave the glass of water in front of her as she nervously uses her free hand to hold onto it. ]

That's a terrifying series of words to hear.

[ It's a soft admission. ]

How can I be so sure that you would accept me once you learned more about me? And how can I trust that? There's... no guarantees there.

Words aren't enough.

[ Ryoko's aware... she's said way too much and not shown enough initiative. She's spent so much time disregarding Inaba's feelings, what would she even be able to put forward as a guarantee?

...

Okay. ]

Can I ask you to test me, then?

[ At which, her hand leaves the cup and is placed on the table, presenting her arm. ]

If I'm making a mistake, either you or Yuuto can stop me, but... accepting you means accepting all of you, right?

Even the worst parts... the parts you don't like.

[ The supernatural. ]

That's fine with me. If Yuuto's alright with that as well... I don't mind if he needs to step in. After all, it isn't as if I always know the right judgement call- or that I always can make that at all.

[Yuuto’s belt lifts and wags very slightly. Is this… Are they going to try..???]

I can do my best… I-I’ll always do my best for you both.

Okay then, Inaba-san. Let's see.

[ She'll do what she can. ]

[ She lets out the heaviest of sighs, leaning back into her seat.

But first, flatly: ]

Yuuto, your golden retriever is showing.

[ That being said... ]

Then I suppose that's settled, I think?

[Yuuto catches himself before he can say something totally stupid. He also reaches behind him to grab his belt and wrap it around his arm, before someone sees that he is weird.]

Does it really..? You’re okay?

Edited 2023-08-08 21:24 (UTC)

[ Oh.

She was. Planning on doing something a little more reckless, but. ]

I-if it is, then yes! Yeah, it's settled. Um, I'll be more straightforward too?

For now, anyway.

[ God, this is still awkward. She feels like she dealt with paperwork rather than navigating friendship. ]

[His tail might be wrapped around his arm, but his hair tufts can still lift up like dog ears.]

Th-then..! I'll go get us celebratory drinks! And... and we can maybe walk around..? [He's trying so hard to contain his happiness.]

You don't have to go get them by yourself, you know! But, yeah, I don't mind walking around a bit.

[ She retracts her arm then, standing up! ]

Let's make the most of the day then, while we still can!

There's really no need for that... but walking around is fine.

july 30th→ action

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